Nightmares and Acid

So this morning.. approximately at 4:40 a.m. I awoke to myself clinging to my pillow right up against the wall, as if I was stuck there. Hoping it was at least six a.m. I look at my iPod to find that nope.. it was in fact four a.m. Then I started to recall the dream I had just woken up from. As I recalled everything I began to feel hungry, only to find that it was not hunger at all. My stomach was turning and twisting as the dream I thought I had just had turned a whole 180 degrees and began to scare the living shit out of me.

And this is what I dreamed:

I began walking down the corridor, looking for a certain shelf of books, when out of the corner of my eye I saw a mirror.. or at least I saw myself walk by. My heart jumped as if I had seen a ghost. I quickly shook this off, even though I started to shiver, my limbs quivering as I approach the mirror. Then.. the mirror moved away from me and my reflection started to dance.

I was not the one in the mirror.. or.. at least there was no mirror at all.

As I realized this, I began to grow taller. I looked down upon the dancing girl who had seemed to be me as she circled about me happily.

"Ring around the rosy, a pocket full of posies. Ashes... Ashes.. We all fall down!"

As she sang this every word seemed to sink in as a sting against my existence. And then it hit me. She had a knife. I began to back up and she came closer, closer... ever so closer. "Ashes... Ashes... We all fall..." And then she stabbed me with her dagger. "Down." Again and again she stabbed, cutting in and deeper until I fell to the ground, reaching out to what I thought was my reality. I drained out and into a huge puddle, sinking into the pool of blood that was my own until..

My world flipped. I spun around. Blinking I took a moment to rub my eyes... but my hands were wet.. Why were they so wet with a thick liquid? I opened my eyes to see nothing but red. A smooth pool of red beneath me. I saw the knife at the base of my knees as I was knelt on the ground. I began to shake as if I had just seen a ghost and then I rush off, leaving a trail of bloody foot prints right up to a mirror to which I saw a very tall man coming towards the mirror.. looking for a certain shelf of books...

And then I woke up.

I have a little bit of a clue as to what just went on but I would rather leave this nightmare behind.

I have not cried yet, but I'm sure it will come soon enough.

This Is My December

Well, long time no post.

I've been very busy, very tired, and sometimes sick.

I recently got into an amazing hobby. I now build, paint, and play Warhammer 40K. It is a table top strategy game with figurines in which you have to build in masses. Since I love to paint, this is awesome and time consuming.

So, with this time consuming hobby I left the internet for a while. And by a while I mean for like a week or two. This resulted in my 'internet friends' [IMVU] to begin to think/realize that I was abandoning them, and in that I lost a good deal of the people I would trust and talk to online. Which is fine by me.

Anyways. Shortly after getting into 40K, I applied and got a job at Auntie Anne's pretzels right next door to the Warhammer store. :] Secretly planned, yes? I am now a part of the 30+ hours a week work force.

My father, in the midst of November, moved to Indiana where I think is the perfect place for him. He's always loved it there and hated it down South, not just Louisiana or Texas, just anywhere that wasn't Indiana.

Also, to get back to the 40K stuff, I might be getting a job in the store! I've just got to turn in an application and they will teach me all I need to know (if I get the job.)

I found new music this few months as well. Here, I'll list them for y'all. :3

Florence + The Machine
Christina Perri
Two Steps From Hell
Abney Park

I also re-found music of some of my favorite artists like Frou Frou, Imogen Heap, and Five Finger Death Punch. :3

Well, this is a decent size update and it wasn't too overly dramatic.

Take care!

Jar of Hearts

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do I think I am
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting my jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
I'm gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside my soul
So don't come back for me
Who do I think I am?

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But you have grown too strong
To ever fall back in my arms

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do I think I am?
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting my jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
I'm gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside my soul
So don't come back for me
Who do I think I am?

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in your eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause I broke all my promises
And now you're back
I don't get to get you back

And who do I think I am?
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting my jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
I'm gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside my soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do I think I am?
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting my jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
I'm gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside my soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do I think I am?
Who do I think I am?
Who do I think I am?

Think think think

I can't think straight. My mind is spiraling into a dark place. I don't like it.. yet I don't stop it.

Negative thoughts and mean words are just spitting out like rain from a cloud.
No matter what I do I hurt others. No matter what I say I can never find the right words to say it. I cannot do this. I cannot.

Roses. Why do I obsess over them. Roses grow, bloom, wither, wilt, and die. Why should I love them so? Roses only blossom in seasons. Seasons of love? If they are used to be a symbol of affection, then why. must. they. die.

I am a Rose. I blossom and thrive in my seasons and then I wither and disappear.

Why must this depression oppress me. Why must I fight it to carry on. Is this my curse for being human? For being myself?

Over-reacting, dramatic wench am I.

But a whore in a man's world.

Roses are the symbol of beauty and love.
but more importantly.. a symbol of lust.

My mind is swirling, twirling, and boiling under. I need help.
I need to be saved.
But how?
How can this wretch of a girl be saved?

How can I live again..

How do I do it.

My negitive thoughts.

So with this whole moving thing.. and Nick Henry's parents thinking my moving in over.. I have negative thoughts about this.

I feel like I'm not wanted in a lot of places. Like I have no where to go. It's this feeling that is bringing me down quickly.

With Christina seeming to act like the friend who "doesn't think of me as her best friend and kinda makes fun of the one who calls her best friend," and Nick Henry's parents "mauling" over my possible moving in... makes me feel like I don't belong. Plus, if I stay in the Holderead's house I am covered until December 1st.

And with all of this going on in my head, my tears are produced by the fact that if this doesn't work out, I will have to move to Indiana and live with "mommy and daddy" and be dependent on them until I'm 25. I just know that would happen to me.

I need my own place.. and fast.

Ms, Brightside and the Tug-of-War

So it has come to my attention that I may need to move back to Bossier City, Louisiana.

Here is my written record of the weighed pros and cons of moving and staying.

STAYING IN TEXAS

Pros

1. I can have a happy relationship in person with Nick.
2. H.V.Z.
3. Team DESU within hang out distance.
4. Possible job in a month or so.. maybe more of I get on it.
5. Cheaper insurance.
6. Bigger town = more jobs.
7. Mom is here, in a hospital albeit but still here.
   

Cons

1. Laziness might go down, but if I don't find a job it might increase.
2. So many places are hiring but most say I'm not "qualified."
3. Not to be racist, but most food places hire illegals to do the work because it's cheaper, and here in Texas there are more illegals than in Louisiana.
   
4. College. I can either have a pulse and go to TCC or sell my soul to the Art Institute via debt.
5. No real maternal support. I need someone who is a woman that I can talk to about my body changing and anything sexual with without being a 'churchly' person or someone's mom.
6. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic.
7. Too many car accidents. Although car crashes are inevitable.
   

MOVING TO LOUISIANA

Pros

1. Guaranteed jobs.
   
2. Two places to stay.
   
3. Support system.
4. Happier mind set, knowing that I can do this, having that backbone support to get me started the right way.
5. L.S.U.S. and an affordable college program.
6. Stability.
7. Like I did in school when I moved to Texas, I'll jump into action and get on the ball with jobs.
   

Cons

1. Four hours away from Mom.
2. Leaving H.V.Z., friends, and Nick.
3. My history there.
4. Learning how to budget.
5. Higher insurance.

Now, with this done.. I can reflect.
I am not doing this because everyone keeps telling me to move back. That is part of the reason, but that only sparked the thought.

This blog post was to get rid of that nagging, terrible Tug-of-war feeling I was getting while I was in Louisiana. So over the next few days, I will think this over.. thoroughly. And hopefully, I can give my emotions time to stop rippling into my thought process long enough for me to make the best conclusion based on these facts.

Thank you Parents.

So today my father decided to tell me he was surprised by my blog post about "Easy A." He also said "I'm glad you didn't get pregnant." As that is what most parents say when they find out their daughter slept around, that was alright. The fact that he read my blog and cared made me a little bit happier, but the fact that I never wanted him to know that pissed me off.

And thus, this rant is spawned from that anger.

I never told my parents about what I did for a damn good reason. Or at least I thought it was a damn good reason.

I never told them anything that made me depressed, angry, or even sometimes happy, because they wouldn't help the situation. They would have made it worse by yelling at me, grounding me, ridiculing me, or like my mom did once, hit me. So I kept everything inside and lived like a shell most of my years. I only opened up and changed when I moved in with Mrs. Ginger.

The reason I never asked for help from them is the simple reason of this: Psychiatrists cost too much. But a new house doesn't.
A new car doesn't cost less than a Psychiatrist.

So here's the final thing I'm going to say about this.

No amount of money can repay or replace my past. So thank you parents, I'm done blaming you for everything. Oh and when I get a job, I'm done asking for your help with "your money."

EDIT: I forgot to add that you did help once. When my anxiety attacks turned for the worse after mom's accident. That's it. That was all.