This Is My December

Well, long time no post.

I've been very busy, very tired, and sometimes sick.

I recently got into an amazing hobby. I now build, paint, and play Warhammer 40K. It is a table top strategy game with figurines in which you have to build in masses. Since I love to paint, this is awesome and time consuming.

So, with this time consuming hobby I left the internet for a while. And by a while I mean for like a week or two. This resulted in my 'internet friends' [IMVU] to begin to think/realize that I was abandoning them, and in that I lost a good deal of the people I would trust and talk to online. Which is fine by me.

Anyways. Shortly after getting into 40K, I applied and got a job at Auntie Anne's pretzels right next door to the Warhammer store. :] Secretly planned, yes? I am now a part of the 30+ hours a week work force.

My father, in the midst of November, moved to Indiana where I think is the perfect place for him. He's always loved it there and hated it down South, not just Louisiana or Texas, just anywhere that wasn't Indiana.

Also, to get back to the 40K stuff, I might be getting a job in the store! I've just got to turn in an application and they will teach me all I need to know (if I get the job.)

I found new music this few months as well. Here, I'll list them for y'all. :3

Florence + The Machine
Christina Perri
Two Steps From Hell
Abney Park

I also re-found music of some of my favorite artists like Frou Frou, Imogen Heap, and Five Finger Death Punch. :3

Well, this is a decent size update and it wasn't too overly dramatic.

Take care!

Jar of Hearts

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do I think I am
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting my jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
I'm gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside my soul
So don't come back for me
Who do I think I am?

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But you have grown too strong
To ever fall back in my arms

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do I think I am?
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting my jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
I'm gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside my soul
So don't come back for me
Who do I think I am?

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in your eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause I broke all my promises
And now you're back
I don't get to get you back

And who do I think I am?
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting my jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
I'm gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside my soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do I think I am?
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting my jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
I'm gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside my soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do I think I am?
Who do I think I am?
Who do I think I am?

Think think think

I can't think straight. My mind is spiraling into a dark place. I don't like it.. yet I don't stop it.

Negative thoughts and mean words are just spitting out like rain from a cloud.
No matter what I do I hurt others. No matter what I say I can never find the right words to say it. I cannot do this. I cannot.

Roses. Why do I obsess over them. Roses grow, bloom, wither, wilt, and die. Why should I love them so? Roses only blossom in seasons. Seasons of love? If they are used to be a symbol of affection, then why. must. they. die.

I am a Rose. I blossom and thrive in my seasons and then I wither and disappear.

Why must this depression oppress me. Why must I fight it to carry on. Is this my curse for being human? For being myself?

Over-reacting, dramatic wench am I.

But a whore in a man's world.

Roses are the symbol of beauty and love.
but more importantly.. a symbol of lust.

My mind is swirling, twirling, and boiling under. I need help.
I need to be saved.
But how?
How can this wretch of a girl be saved?

How can I live again..

How do I do it.

My negitive thoughts.

So with this whole moving thing.. and Nick Henry's parents thinking my moving in over.. I have negative thoughts about this.

I feel like I'm not wanted in a lot of places. Like I have no where to go. It's this feeling that is bringing me down quickly.

With Christina seeming to act like the friend who "doesn't think of me as her best friend and kinda makes fun of the one who calls her best friend," and Nick Henry's parents "mauling" over my possible moving in... makes me feel like I don't belong. Plus, if I stay in the Holderead's house I am covered until December 1st.

And with all of this going on in my head, my tears are produced by the fact that if this doesn't work out, I will have to move to Indiana and live with "mommy and daddy" and be dependent on them until I'm 25. I just know that would happen to me.

I need my own place.. and fast.

Ms, Brightside and the Tug-of-War

So it has come to my attention that I may need to move back to Bossier City, Louisiana.

Here is my written record of the weighed pros and cons of moving and staying.

STAYING IN TEXAS

Pros

1. I can have a happy relationship in person with Nick.
2. H.V.Z.
3. Team DESU within hang out distance.
4. Possible job in a month or so.. maybe more of I get on it.
5. Cheaper insurance.
6. Bigger town = more jobs.
7. Mom is here, in a hospital albeit but still here.
   

Cons

1. Laziness might go down, but if I don't find a job it might increase.
2. So many places are hiring but most say I'm not "qualified."
3. Not to be racist, but most food places hire illegals to do the work because it's cheaper, and here in Texas there are more illegals than in Louisiana.
   
4. College. I can either have a pulse and go to TCC or sell my soul to the Art Institute via debt.
5. No real maternal support. I need someone who is a woman that I can talk to about my body changing and anything sexual with without being a 'churchly' person or someone's mom.
6. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic.
7. Too many car accidents. Although car crashes are inevitable.
   

MOVING TO LOUISIANA

Pros

1. Guaranteed jobs.
   
2. Two places to stay.
   
3. Support system.
4. Happier mind set, knowing that I can do this, having that backbone support to get me started the right way.
5. L.S.U.S. and an affordable college program.
6. Stability.
7. Like I did in school when I moved to Texas, I'll jump into action and get on the ball with jobs.
   

Cons

1. Four hours away from Mom.
2. Leaving H.V.Z., friends, and Nick.
3. My history there.
4. Learning how to budget.
5. Higher insurance.

Now, with this done.. I can reflect.
I am not doing this because everyone keeps telling me to move back. That is part of the reason, but that only sparked the thought.

This blog post was to get rid of that nagging, terrible Tug-of-war feeling I was getting while I was in Louisiana. So over the next few days, I will think this over.. thoroughly. And hopefully, I can give my emotions time to stop rippling into my thought process long enough for me to make the best conclusion based on these facts.

Thank you Parents.

So today my father decided to tell me he was surprised by my blog post about "Easy A." He also said "I'm glad you didn't get pregnant." As that is what most parents say when they find out their daughter slept around, that was alright. The fact that he read my blog and cared made me a little bit happier, but the fact that I never wanted him to know that pissed me off.

And thus, this rant is spawned from that anger.

I never told my parents about what I did for a damn good reason. Or at least I thought it was a damn good reason.

I never told them anything that made me depressed, angry, or even sometimes happy, because they wouldn't help the situation. They would have made it worse by yelling at me, grounding me, ridiculing me, or like my mom did once, hit me. So I kept everything inside and lived like a shell most of my years. I only opened up and changed when I moved in with Mrs. Ginger.

The reason I never asked for help from them is the simple reason of this: Psychiatrists cost too much. But a new house doesn't.
A new car doesn't cost less than a Psychiatrist.

So here's the final thing I'm going to say about this.

No amount of money can repay or replace my past. So thank you parents, I'm done blaming you for everything. Oh and when I get a job, I'm done asking for your help with "your money."

EDIT: I forgot to add that you did help once. When my anxiety attacks turned for the worse after mom's accident. That's it. That was all.

"Maybe you should wear an "A" on your wardrobe."

So, after waiting weeks to see "Easy A," I finally saw it. The movie I had been waiting for. The movie that was so close to describing my life in Louisiana, I finally saw it.

The movie could not have been more amazing. It made me laugh and cry and.. feel really heartbroken.

About a month ago I received a text from someone who said, "Hey babe, how hot are you? Do you give good head, because I found your number on a bathroom wall that said you did." And it only brought out the rage I had suppressed from my "slut" years. I broke down that night and cried harder than I had ever cried before.

Spoiler alert, I am about to say the entire plot line for the movie.
In "Easy A" a girl named Olive was anonymous with a loud mouth bitch for a best friend, she was invisible until she pretended to loose her virginity to a non-existent guy. She told her friend in a bathroom at school and the Christian girl of the school hears it and spreads the lie to everyone as a truth. Basically the movie goes on from that lie that becomes a string of lies that initially bites Olive in the ass.

I relate to this movie, to Olive, in a way that is real. I slept with guys and messed around at Airline. I was the leader of a group I dubbed "The Outcasts." I was popular, yet not because the only real people who knew me were the outcasts.. But my behavior with guys spread rumors about me through the school. And little did I know I was one of the few school sluts. This ruined me and started a trend of boyfriends that really only dated me for sex, because unlike the other sluts, I only had sex with my boyfriend. Being the naive girl I was at the time, I had no idea that was going on. I thought it was normal. All until I moved away. Rumors were spread. "She moved because she finally got pregnant and didn't want anyone to know," and, "She was arrested for soemthing," Or other things involving pregnancy and drugs or being arrested. It was crazy. No one but my friends knew or realized that I moved for the sole reason of my mother getting into a car crash that nearly ended her life and injured my cousin.

It was like no one knew who the real me was. And to be honest, I didn't know who I was.

Well, when I moved... I changed for the better. I didn't have any friends in Texas except for Jared Singleton and his family, who I moved in with. I had a brand new start to fix my problems with promiscuity, drugs, and drinking. Even though I had a rough first few months here in Texas, I made a pretty good recovery. Though, I do think that when I moved.. my depression got worse as I kept having more and more anxiety attacks, but hey.. What's life without pessimism? Rainbows and sunshine? I'll take a rainy day over heat anyvday.. even if it means depression. Can't be happy all the time.

I never found out who put my number on that wall in the bathroom of a 7-11 in Euless, but right now... I don't really care. I'm making a change in my life that will hopefully be a good one.

I want to tell you something.

I want to tell you something, I've been thinking on this for a bit.
I just don't want to say it to you directly in fear of you running away.

I care about you a lot, but I'm trying to take it slow.

Oh, you make me so happy. So happy.
I.. really like you. You are unlike any guy I've ever met. You're not perfect, no one is, but I'm not worried about that. I'm not worried about anything about you. But, man... You're awesome.

I want this to work out.

End of transmission. :]

July 5th

So today was the day I was supposed to move to Houston.

Oh well, that went down the drain.

Good thing we both moved on.

The End :D

Money.

Money is a form of payment in exchange for a good/product.

Money is also something else. Something my family fights over.

My dad worked his ass off so much in Iraq and all those other countries to sit in a chair and do amazing things with a computer and other technologies. This in turn earned him and us back home a good amount of money.

My mom sat at home, attempting to go to college and work a part-time job. She was going to school to finally finish her Business/Marketing degree. She also spent the majority of the money my dad earned. Then she spent even more of HIS money by getting into an almost critical car crash, spending two years in hospitals, rehabilitation centers, and an assisted living facility. Not to mention her awesome electric wheelchair and the many things that come with caring for her at home.

My brother cons my dad into giving him money, paying for his road trips/camping trips/going to see his lover/etc, and never pays him back. My brother has continued to not get a job, and to live off of his scholarship money and my dad's funds.

I have also contributed to taking away my dad's money. I constantly buy food, go out to the movies with friends, take out money and put it in my checking account, and my dad also pays for all of my gas. I have tried to apply for jobs, many times. No one will hire me. I think this is do to Inflation in our economy; either that or it is due to my laziness to never calling the employers to see if I can get an interview. Never the less, I will be moving to Houston, as said for the millionth time now. Moving will be slightly expensive due to only having a van and a sports car in my family. We're going to have to rent either a Uhaul trailer to attach to the van or Monte Carlo, or get a Uhaul van/truck to put my room into.

But, back on the subject of money... The subject of it upsets everyone in my four-person family. If my mom tells me to spend, my dad tells me to not. If my brother spends my dad's money I yell at him, and vice verse on me. If my mom spends money, my dad yells at her. And the chain goes on for miles.

Hopefully one day we will all see that spending so much money if often a waste.
I also hope I will break off and stop spending HIS money forever. I really do hate taking advantage of having so much. After all... I've grown up to be such a spoiled rotten brat.

Sober

I've been love drunk by so
many others for so long,
but now that I am
sobering up, my
vision clearing
and through
the blur
of it all
I see
You.

"This Rose Bush"

"For I will tell you once again as I have once before. This rose bush will not grow when the snow falls. If the snow continues to fall, this rose bush will wither and die out. Therefore, this rose bush cannot survive in the North. But, at the same time, this rose bush may not grow so well in the heat. Therefore, this rose bush cannot survive very happily in the South. Therefore, a happy medium shall be found. So, alas! This rose bush may grow, blossom, and bloom."

I felt compelled to write that.

So I seem to be obessing.

Hmm... Well then, I think I might just drop it :]

Seems like a Healthy idea to me, don't you agree?
Indeed. :]

Moving on to something new and amazing. I find my roller blades today. Still in good shape other than the fact that they are scratched up beyond belief and the wheels are kinda cracked, but that's okay!

Ima get new wheels :3 And then I can be even more awesome on these trails for bikes around my house. I'm so glad North Richland Hills has a bike trail. It makes me happy. I just hope I don't run into the train from Grapevine that likes to zoom by and honk it's horn... It's so loud! But it's very vintage, so I guess that makes it alright?

Hmmm Anyways, I've decided to just let things play out as they may, take things as they come instead of holding them in one place, staring at them, and trying to make them change to my will. I'm going to be more proactive as well, meaning I'm going to start doing my homework, all of it, I'm going to ask for help when I need it and seek for help when I cannot find it near me. I'm going to become stronger within these next two months. For I will need strength to keep my legs up on two inch heels to walk across the stage of the Fort Worth Convention Center.

Graduation, here I come!

Dear Bossier

You there... yes you, I've got some words I want you to read. They are about you.
But of course... you'll never read them, you don't have any eyes. So why should I even write them?

I wrote this letter in my head cause so many things were left unsaid, but now you're gone and I Can't Think Straight. Oh, this could be the one last chance to make you understand...

My blood aches from trying to make you appear, oh... it's such an awful sight to just see me in the mirror. I HATE this distance in between us, I don't think it's FAIR.
All my time's spent wondering, why I want to be with you. Cause you're not here and now it's clear... I want to get back to you.

But you'll never read this letter... because you probably will never care.

This distance... I'll cross it and whether or not you're ready for me to come back.. I'll be back. Back home where I belong. Where I can walk along the Red River Banks... Where I can go on an adventure in the woods and watch the stars light up the sky in Haughton. I will be back one day... whether or not you're ready for me to come home.

I'll be home soon Louisiana :]

A song stuck in my head atm

Low Fidelity - The Spill Canvas


Wish I could hold you up in my arms
Keep you safe and sound from any harm.
I can't seem to function from this far away
Never did a moment look so dull
Without your color in my day

Oh, it feels so good to hear you speak.

This is where I start to miss you more than I can bare
I hate this distance in between us, I don't think it's fair.
All my time spent wondering
How to stay true to you
But you're not here, and now I fear
I'll never get back to you.

Would have carried you to anywhere you please
Even if my limbs were broken and my body was diseased.
I can't seem to operate from this far away
There's a million littles voices telling me I should've stayed

Oh, it feels so good to hear you speak

This is where I start to miss you more than I can bare
I hate this distance in between us, I don't think it's fair.
All my time spent wondering
How to stay true to you
But you're not here, and now I fear
I'll never get back to you.

My blood aches from trying to make you appear
It's an awful sight to just see me in the mirror

This is where I start to miss you more than I can bare
I hate this distance in between us, I don't think it's fair.
All my time spent wondering
Why I stay true to you
'Cause you're not here, and now it's clear
I'm never going back to you.

No, no I'm never going back to you.

Ignored.

I think it's so funny when I get on Facebook, see a person I need to talk to online/on the messenger, and I say "Hey!" and they go offline. I love it.

Why Can't You Just TELL ME YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ME instead of GOING OFFLINE.

It makes me so ANGRY. It makes me want to RAGE like I am doing NOW.

On a side note, HOORAY FOR CAPS LOCK.

"Ah, AreYou Digging On My Grave?"

"Ah, are you digging on my grave
My loved one? -- planting rue?"
-- "No, yesterday he went to wed
One of the brightest wealth has bred.
'It cannot hurt her now,' he said,
'That I should not be true.'"

"Then who is digging on my grave?
My nearest dearest kin?"
-- "Ah, no; they sit and think, 'What use!
What good will planting flowers produce?
No tendance of her mound can loose
Her spirit from Death's gin.' "

"But some one digs upon my grave?
My enemy? -- prodding sly?"
-- "Nay: when she heard you had passed the Gate
That shuts on all flesh soon or late,
She thought you no more worth her hate,
And cares not where you lie."

"Then, who is digging on my grave?
Say -- since I have not guessed!"
-- "O it is I, my mistress dear,
Your little dog, who still lives near,
And much I hope my movements here
Have not disturbed your rest?"

"Ah yes! You dig upon my grave . . .
Why flashed it not on me
That one true heart was left behind!
What feeling do we ever find
To equal among human kind
A dog's fidelity!"

"Mistress, I dug upon your grave
To bury a bone, in case
I should be hungry near this spot
When passing on my daily trot.
I am sorry, but I quite forgot
It was your resting-place."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This poem was on my CBA for my English 4 class this past 9 weeks.
I thought it was both amusing and very saddening.

What do you think?

18

Well, March 23rd, Tuesday. Which today is kinda Wednesday, so it was yesterday... Was pretty cool.

I mean I hung out with a few good friends and my parents, bought my prom dress and mask for prom. Both the mask and dress were made for me. Not really, but when I tried them on, they were perfect.

But, regardless.... I'm legal now. I'm having a party with my friend Katie on Sunday (because he birthday is on Friday and we're awesome like that.) The party theme is a 20's through the 80's time flash deal. I'm going to be a '50s Car Hop girl :D It'll be awesome for the party too!

But, this post was just to post and keep everyone entertained.

I have yet to get either of the new Pokemon games. Fail D: I shall get them in good time. For now, farewell sleep beckons me.

If I had a world of my own it would all be Nonsense!

My world would consist of starry night skies where the moon is always visible, mint bushes would grow wild, Rose bushes would be tamed for me, animals would talk, Pokemon would exist, Wizards would turn people into frogs and the Anon would rule!

Alright... now that's just ridiculous.

Anyways, I live in reality now, no rabbit holes to fall into. Maybe a book would be as so kind as to welcome me with open arms to fall into it with my imagination open.

Books, books, glorious books. An open world full of wonders or boring speeches. It all depends on what you are reading.

I think I might just read "The Little Prince" once again, or maybe watch "Where The Wild Things Are" because I need that dose of child-like innocence of going off into another world, away from the real thing for a little while.

Y'know, we all need our healthy doses of that or we'll go insane... I do believe that to be very true in my world. If I don't take a breather from all this stress it gets to me at the worst moments.

I need it right now for the fact that.. Tomorrow, March 23rd I turn 18 and my days of relaxation are done with until I have time to take vacation. Hah, school work, scholarships, college applications, finding an apartment, moving to Louisiana, joining the Air Force, staying in Fort Worth, going to the Art Institute of Dallas and going into debt up to my neck.. What choices I have to make.

I will get through this, y'know why?
Because I won't let this build up inside of me. I will conquer it.
:]
I have faith in myself to make it through this.